Like the Second Law of Thermodynamics, which says that in closed energy systems things tend to run down and get less orderly, the same seems to be true of closed relationships like marriages. My guess is that if you do nothing to make things get better in your marriage but do not do anything wrong, the marriage will still tend to get worse over time. To maintain a balanced emotional ecology you need to make an effort—think about your spouse during the day, think about how to make a good thing even better, and act.

Diverse factors like ingrained behaviours, attachment styles, external pressures, and unresolved trauma can make relationships complex. Regular check-ins and stress-reducing conversations with your partner are beneficial. Active listening, clear communication, and understanding when to offer support or solutions are vital skills. Recognising and addressing unproductive conflict patterns such as criticism, rejection, or avoidance can lead to more effective conflict resolution. Remember, our reactions in conflicts are often automatic. Pausing to acknowledge internal triggers and emotions can lead to more thoughtful responses, fostering calm and regulation. This self-regulation is a crucial step towards collaborative conversation and conflict resolution, ultimately enriching the relationship.

When it comes to navigating the complex world of interpersonal communication, especially within relationships, Dr. John Gottman's concept of the Four Horsemen stands out as a pivotal guide. This framework, derived from Gottman's extensive research on marital stability and divorce prediction, identifies four negative communication patterns that can predict the end of a relationship. Understanding these patterns is crucial for developing healthier communication habits. Below is an overview suitable for a website section dedicated to enhancing communication skills:

1. Criticism: Criticism involves attacking your partner’s character or personality instead of focusing on specific behaviors. Unlike constructive feedback, which addresses specific actions, criticism makes broad, generalizing statements about a person's character, often leading to defensiveness and decreased intimacy. For instance, saying, "You never think about anyone else" is a critique of character, while "I feel neglected when you plan activities without consulting me" focuses on behavior.

2. Contempt: Contempt is a step beyond criticism and is marked by sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor. It represents a form of disrespect and disgust. Contempt is particularly destructive because it conveys disgust and superiority over one's partner, undermining the respect and affection critical for a relationship’s foundation. It's the single greatest predictor of divorce, according to Gottman.

3. Defensiveness: Defensiveness is typically a response to criticism. When we feel unjustly accused, we fish for excuses and play the innocent victim so that our partner will back off. Unfortunately, this strategy is almost never successful. Our excuses just tell our partner that we don't take their concerns seriously and that we won’t take responsibility for our mistakes. Defensiveness only escalates the conflict, which can lead to a gridlock of unresolved issues.

4. Stonewalling: Stonewalling occurs when one partner withdraws from the interaction, shutting down dialogue and essentially becoming unresponsive. It often happens as a response to contempt. Stonewalling can be both a defense mechanism and a sign of being overwhelmed. However, it prevents issues from being addressed and resolved, leading to further deterioration in the relationship.